He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
