Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
