last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
