Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
