Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We talked him into tasing himself.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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