im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
