so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
