You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
