a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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