Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
