Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
