yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
