Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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