using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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