My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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