i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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