Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Randomize
