the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
