I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
