I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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