20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
