this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
