one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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