i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
