i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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