So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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