you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
