I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Couch. On fire.
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