I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
