if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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