Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize