someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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