If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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