Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
