I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize