Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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