it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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