when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
