just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
