fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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