Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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