dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
