i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
