As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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