It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
