Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
