Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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