I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
