Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Randomize
