I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
