I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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