I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
