3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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