I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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